Home Sweet Home and the first Pooping Incident

Finally, the battery of tests are run!  Our child is normal and ready to go home and we are ready to lie down on our own bed.  But first, to put her in this car seat…what’s that?  The clips are supposed to go around the legs?  Oh…thank you Nurse for helping us out with this latest little challenge.

Night 1 goes well, Chloé has made a habit of having her energy peak past 10:00 pm but she finally calms down and falls asleep…only to be woken up every 3 hours for feedings.  But ¾ of a good night’s sleep feels like heaven and we decide to get ambitious on day two and bathe the little angel. 

The preparation takes a good 15 minutes and now to change her diaper.  What a sweetheart and OH MY GOD, she’s projectile pooping onto mommy.  I know, we’ve seen this moment in movies and television but oh my is it hilarious to watch.  As the supporting husband I’m trying to stifle my laughter and tell my wife it’s ok, well attempting to figure out how to clean it off and get this diaper change done.  She begins to laugh probably because there's nothing else to do in this situation.  The fact I pull it off without my wife ripping me apart is a crowning achievement in my life and my understand of women and hormones…I’d like to thank my mom and my two sisters for giving me visibility to female emotions as I grew up.

Sidebar - there are many bar nights with my friends where I've uttered "I wish I had a GoPro camera attached to me so that we could relive this".  Can you imagine if I had one in that moment?  The hilarity that would come from that video along with the potential to scare my wife at every family event by teasing her to put it on would be PRICELESS.

Naturally, once she almost causes World War 3 in my kitchen Chloé is content and sleeps through most of the day,  even proving hard to wake up for feedings.  She still doesn’t want to play monopoly with me, so I’ve taken on throwing the dice for her and making property trades that benefit me.  This trading ability a skill I’ve developed through years of fantasy sports.    Naturally, on the first and second nights her energy spikes….right at 10:30 and she begins to fret for what seems like the entire night but is actually just a couple hours.  When I say “just” a couple hours, parents can understand that it doesn’t feel like “just” and all you young’ins without children will someday understand the pain of trying to go to sleep and having a child full of energy crying.  In the meantime, enjoy watching hours of Netflix and deciding to go to the bar at 11pm when this old man is attempting to get to sleep. 

The adventures will only get better from here.  We are blessed with a healthy, pretty well behaved baby and we are loving every second of it.  And hopefully, she never poops on me...if this was a movie I'd be worried that this was foreshadowing.   After having typed that, I'm envision that moment of "i'll be right back" in a scary movie.

The Arrival

So Chloé arrived 11 days late and not without coaxing.  If I wasn't as smart as I am, I'd say that her momma made her temporary home too inviting and allowed her to sleep a little too much but I'll keep it to myself.  Finally, the hospital called us at 6:15 in the am (savages) and asked us to come in for quarter to eight.

Alright young lads, scroll past this long paragraph until it's time to read that first baby book.  Baby momma was sufficiently progressing that the induction would be through an iv.  Unfortunately the hospital got busy and this didn't start until around 2pm.  Luckily, I had a fantasy football trade cooking on my email and tried to distract momma with Netflix.  Finally, at 2, we were welcomed into a large room and I mistakenly thought "this is going to happen fast, maybe the three of us can watch Tom Brady sling some touchdowns tonight".  Grandma joined us in the room, providing support and a bit of a softer touch.  After offering my wife some more Netflix, I decided to turn on the football game (yes kids, that means it was past 8:00...) while she enjoyed the high that came from her epidural.  And I waited...and waited and watched the entire game.  Things were not progressing as planned and the time came to make the decision to have a c section.  This is where I tell the audience that my tough wife has never broken a bone, never had a surgery and has never been admitted to hospital.  What this little fiery warrior does not enjoy is the thought of a scalpel touching her skin.  And now she was facing that reality.  I came to her side and attempt to comfort her, reminding her of the end goal but I knew I could affect the mood so much. Finally, the time came to move to the operating room around 1 am, I moved our bags to the waiting area and went to the scrub room.  I internalized my panic, put on some scrubs and was told to wait until all was setup.  Probably a good time to mention that I almost faint every time I give blood and that previous experiences visiting hospitals bring back bad feelings.

Hopefully our young fellows have rejoined us with this sentence.  Waiting to join your wife I the operating room is something no man should go through.  Thoughts flutter through your mind and you can only hope that your partner is calm and ok with what is about to happen.  Oh right, she's the one being cut, what a martyr I am.  I'm sure that the wait was not that long, but it felt like I was watching the Jacques Lemaire New Jersey Devils play hockey.  I sat down and said a few words of hope to no one in particular and tried to relax.  Knowing she needed me to be the calm steady force (HA!  Dan being calm)  while she went through this, I decided to pump myself up.  Let me tell you that little waiting area became as fiery as Brock Lesnar's locker room before a fight.  I bounced on my feet, punched the air and reminded myself that she needed me.

Now men, understand this, we will never understand the pain women feel during childbirth.  I received a firsthand education on the emotional trauma, as my wife lay there awake, shaking and freaking out while they performers surgery.  Tough and calm Dan said words of encouragement, brushed his hand against her cheek and reminded her that soon it would be over and she would see her baby girl.  Hence the next moment of emotional torture, the beautiful baby comes out and immediately taken care of by a team to nurses, I can see her but my wife cannot.  Chloé lets out a cry and my wife's face lights up and the words come: 'I want to see her'.  Oh crap...I have to keep this woman calm while her child is inches away but cannot be seen.  I give her a play by play of what I understand the nurses are doing (thank god for baby books) as she lies through what must feel like 10 regular season Yankee games.  Let me tell you this that moment when you first hold your baby followed by the look in your wife's face as she first puts eyes on her child is like nothing else in the world.

Following this, I got to spend some quality alone time with my daughter in the waiting room, I honestly can't describe these moments and these are memories I will keep forever.  I am responsible for a human life and I'm actually not screwing it up as of yet!  This is also the moment I realize that  this little girl is going to have her daddy wrapped around her finger, is 2am too early in the morning to start calling potential customers and make some more commission?  Finally, momma was wheeled in and I placed Chloé in her arms for that initial bonding and the love was on.  The cool thing about how everything went down is that I was able to have my moments with our new daughter and then witness them through my wife's eyes, although I'm sure she would have rather just not have waited to have these moments with her. 

Can't wait to see what the future brings...